


say something loving

by jaehwandred



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, BLARGH, M/M, bandfic, because of course if there's one thing this fandom needs, but not really, canonfic, dubcon, it's more sad hyuken porn, more like sort of dubcon undertones if anything bc jaehwan is sad and makes bad decisions, obviously, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:26:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9341831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehwandred/pseuds/jaehwandred
Summary: Jaehwan and Sanghyuk try to fill in the spaces that Taekwoon left behind.





	

The first few years were rough, to say the least. 

When Sanghyuk first met Taekwoon, he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to make eye contact with him, let alone hold a real conversation. But then life happened and things changed. 

As the band itself matured, Sanghyuk liked to think that he did too. He grew a backbone, improved with his own skills, and after a year or two, he found himself finally feeling like he was part of the group. He was no longer the outsider that stood on the fringes of conversation and relied solely on Hakyeon to invite him in. 

Sanghyuk never thought that he would fall in love with Taekwoon. So, naturally, he dealt with it by gently bullying Taekwoon into an early grave. 

He still remembered the first time that Taekwoon stole a bit of his heart. Taekwoon gave so little of himself away that any time he reached out, even if it was in the most mundane things, it had the capacity to make anyone feel special. It had just been him and Taekwoon crowded into the van’s backseat. They were on their way to some event or another and the rest had fallen asleep but Taekwoon silently offered to share his earphones with him and Sanghyuk thought that maybe, maybe this could work.

He couldn’t pinpoint the moment when he could actually consider Taekwoon his friend. But one day, he found himself stealing Taekwoon’s jacket and not even giving a second thought to the possible consequences. In fact, somewhere along the way, he had grown much taller and bigger than Taekwoon who was very thoroughly disgruntled by the fact. One minute they were gossipping, poking gentle fun at Hakyeon behind his back. The next, he was hyper aware of how he could feel Taekwoon’s warmth even through a layer of denim and his thin cotton tee. He knew he was fucked when Taekwoon smiled at him and his stomach clenched and his heart went on a wild coaster ride. Somewhere, somehow, he had fallen in love with his— coworker. 

Sanghyuk hadn’t meant to, of course. He wasn’t in the business of making his life harder for no reason. It was odd, sometimes, how books and movies condensed falling in love into one single, romantic moment but with Taekwoon, it was never like that. It was more like a low simmer of of fondness and friendship boiling over into something more. And when Sanghyuk can’t find himself looking away, he realizes he’s thoroughly done for. 

Because, well, there was the slight teensie-tiny problem that Taekwoon didn’t like boys. He liked girls (preferably older than him), with slim waists and long legs and perfectly pouty lips. Not to mention narrow shoulders and doe eyes and all the things that Han Sanghyuk was not. And never would be.

But there was Jaehwan. 

Jaehwan was most certainly a boy, hell, he was almost as tall as Taekwoon was. But he had a full set of lips, demure gaze and was always teasing, flirting, drawing Taekwoon in though they were nothing at all alike. Sanghyuk could pretend all he wanted but even when the cameras were rolling, he saw the way Taekwoon draped himself all over Jaehwan, his head on the shelf of his too bony shoulders, nestled into his side. 

Still. When it came down to it, Jaehwan wasn’t a girl either.

He finds him in the recording studio, last note still saturating the air. Some sad old love song. Sanghyuk had heard some of it as he walked in through the door. It wasn’t supposed to be a solo. It was a duet and Jaehwan was here alone. Jaehwan’s eyes are rimmed red, still glossy with unshed tears and his hair is a mess, dyed brown locks completely askew. Sanghyuk pretends to not notice how his fingers shake after he takes off his headphones. 

Sanghyuk doesn’t get to ask what’s wrong because Jaehwan answers before he can even form the words. “Just a friend,” he says, the wound still obviously fresh, “Because he can’t ever see me as anything else.” His jaw clenches, hands forming fists at his side. “I know it was foolish the whole time but I thought, I thought—” 

“Thought you were different?” His voice is cold and clinical but Sanghyuk knows, he knows how badly it must burn. 

Sometimes Sanghyuk wonders if Jaehwan can read his mind because he says, “You did too.” 

Sanghyuk swallows. 

“Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.” 

“Yeah.”

Sanghyuk has never heard Jaehwan so quiet.

— 

Sanghyuk doesn’t expect the knock at his door. He’s sharing a room with Hakyeon in the hotel tonight but Hakyeon has the room key. He’s not entirely surprised, though, when he opens the door to find Jaehwan standing in the doorway, his shirt way too big for his small frame. “Hakyeon said he was okay with switching rooms,” he said, “If you’re alright with it— ?” 

“Yeah,” says Sanghyuk immediately, stepping aside for Jaehwan to come in, duffel bag in tow, “Of course.” Because he remembers belatedly that Jaehwan was supposed to share a room with Taekwoon tonight. 

“I’ll be okay tomorrow,” Jaehwan says, no, he promises, but Sanghyuk shakes his head.

“It’s fine,” he says, going to sit on the edge of his still perfectly made bed. Jaehwan sits next to him, dropping his duffel bag indiscriminately in the corner of the room. “I get it. Trust me, I do.” Sanghyuk closes his eyes briefly. This wasn’t the time for self pity. 

But he understood. Perfectly. He knew what it was like to be initially wary of Taekwoon’s demeanor then want to get closer, to know more. He knows what it’s like to be on the receiving side of Taekwoon’s odd brand of affection and teasing. And what it was like to see Taekwoon smile and feel special, for just a moment, before remembering that Taekwoon was like that with everyone in private now. He just had to be away from the cameras. But even that was getting better with time and soon, the Taekwoon that he knew in private would be the one that the world knew as intimately as he had.

It shouldn’t hurt, really. But it did. And Sanghyuk knew that as well as Jaehwan did. Even though Taekwoon had no time for relationships now, that would change, eventually, when they grew older, aged out of this whole entertainment system and they would stop being such a big part in each other’s lives. Sanghyuk wondered how long it would be after they disbanded until Taekwoon found a girl, fell in love. They would be at the reception, maybe even give a speech or sing a song, and Sanghyuk wondered if it would hurt as much then as it did now. He only had to meet Jaehwan’s eyes to know that he was wondering the same too. 

“Well,” Sanghyuk’s throat feels dry, “Time heals all wounds, right?” 

Jaehwan actually scoffs at that, “Don’t bullshit me.” He blinks, his eyes downcast, “Even if it does get better...but what if it— what if it never goes away?” 

Sanghyuk doesn’t want to think about finding an answer to that and he looks away, “I don’t know.”

He feels more than he hears Jaehwan’s breathy sigh. Sanghyuk is tired all of a sudden, as if just thinking about Taekwoon drains him of all of his remaining energy. He would really like to go to sleep right now but Jaehwan still wants his attention, leans closer, “Sanghyuk, can I ask you something?” 

He can’t exactly say ‘no’ so he just shrugs half-heartedly. Dimly, he’s aware of the hotel TV still going off in the background. It’s the local news report because Sanghyuk had been so frustrated with the free wifi that he ended up watching TV in English. He barely even knew the language beyond making polite conversation but it was better than staring at his social media accounts, waiting for pictures that would never load. Jaehwan’s clearly not very interested in what’s going on in the background but Sanghyuk knows that glint in his eye, knows he’s up to no good.

“Jaehwan, what— “ But Jaehwan just surges forward and kisses him with a little too much force. Sanghyuk fumbles with his hands but Jaehwan is determined, as if kissing Sanghyuk will somehow ease the pain away. But he knows he’s nothing like Taekwoon. And Jaehwan is nothing like him either.

Because Jaehwan tastes like sweets and sugar when Sanghyuk knows he would have tasted the aftermath of an afternoon latte on Taekwoon’s lips. Jaehwan is just so ridiculously eager and shows no restraint, he takes and he takes. Every time Sanghyuk tries to pull away, catch his breath, Jaehwan chases after him again and bites down on his lower lip. Sanghyuk gasps and Jaehwan takes advantage of the small lapse to push him down on the bed.

He’s panting slightly and his full lips are kiss swollen. Sanghyuk can see, quite clearly, why their fans go crazy over him. Jaehwan’s disheveled, light brown hair, makes for an even prettier picture than when he’s all put together, hair slicked back. There’s something like danger in his eyes, the kind of frenzy that pushes him over the edge into something that he can’t take back the next morning. 

Both of them are too sober for this.

Jaehwan straddles him and tangles his fingers in Sanghyuk’s hair and soon, Sanghyuk finds it hard to think. Jaehwan had never been much of a natural dancer but with the way that he was grinding down on Sanghyuk, he could forgive that. 

Sanghyuk thinks that this is a little too much a little too fast. They were bandmates, sure, and had lived together for a very long time but there was still usually a bit more build up to fucking one of your bandmates that you had previously only viewed in a platonic light. Sanghyuk pulls away and Jaehwan blearily blinks his eyes open. Sanghyuk thinks that Jaehwan’s already full lips look even better when kissed swollen. “I don’t think this is a good idea,” he says, his voice hoarse around the edges.

“Nothing I ever do is a good idea,” Jaehwan laughs but there’s no humor in it. 

He kisses his way from just below Sanghyuk’s ear to down his jawline and Sanghyuk is wondering if he can even say no to this. “But Taekwoon will never kiss you like this— “ and Jaehwan seals their lips with more force than passion, “And he will never love me either. Where does that leave us?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t have an answer and even if he did, it dies when he can feel Jaehwan’s mouth whisper against his spit-slicked lips. “Fuck,” he curses and Sanghyuk flips them over so he’s on top of Jaehwan. 

Jaehwan makes a tiny involuntary sound that turns Sanghyuk on more than he’d like to admit. Jaehwan’s hands come to rest on the back of his thighs, his ass, grabbing him through the material of his sweatpants. Sanghyuk kisses him again and begrudgingly admits to himself that maybe he could grow to like this too. He slips his tongue in Jaehwan’s mouth, blindly licking the inside of his cheeks, his teeth. His cold hands slide under Jaehwan’s shirt and he arches into the touch. 

Jaehwan is so receptive, moaning without restraint when Sanghyuk slides his shirt over his head and he thumbs over his nipples. Making love to Taekwoon would be nothing like this. He would be all quiet, restrained groans, turning his head away as he closed his eyes in pleasure. Taekwoon wouldn’t have taken the initiative, wouldn’t have kissed back as fervently as Jaehwan did— but— no, this wasn’t the time and place. 

(They both knew, though, that neither of them would be able to make it through the night without comparing each other to Taekwoon. That was just the nature of it.)

Sanghyuk slows it all down, takes his time, because that’s how Taekwoon would have liked it. But Jaehwan is impatient. He lifts his head and whines when Sanghyuk drags his pajama pants off and leaves marks on his clavicles, his collarbones. Jaehwan wants more, more, more and Sanghyuk eventually just pins his skinny wrists to the bed as he presses a lingering kiss to the outline of Jaehwan’s hard cock in his boxers. Just to be an asshole. Jaehwan swears at him under his breath and Sanghyuk chuckles a little at that but he finally relents and pulls his boxers off, freeing Jaehwan’s erection.

This wasn’t truly what either of them wanted but Sanghyuk felt that they had crossed an unspoken line already and it was too late to go back. They both knew that. But Sanghyuk has a feeling that Jaehwan doesn’t really care. He just wants to feel nothing. He just wants to forget. And maybe Sanghyuk wants that too. 

Sanghyuk tries not to think about how small Jaehwan looks compared to Taekwoon’s broad shoulders and firm chest.

Jaehwan quickly complains about how Sanghyuk is still dressed when his own pants are already off so, eventually, all of their clothing ends up on the ground. 

He’s not even sure what he’s planning to do but he holds Jaehwan down and his lips close around Jaehwan’s erection. Jaehwan can’t stay quiet if he tried. Sanghyuk looks up as he sucks and sees the pretty line of Jaehwan’s bared neck when he throws his head back. When Sanghyuk takes him down to the base, Jaehwan keens, throwing the back of his hand across his mouth. 

Jaehwan’s breathing grows heavier and Sanghyuk assumes that he’s about to finish but he surprises him when he pushes Sanghyuk’s shoulders away. 

Sanghyuk lifts his head to look inquisitively up at Jaehwan, his lips still wet. “I want— “ Jaehwan pants, “If we’re going to do this properly, just fuck me.”

Sanghyuk feels oddly guilty at the thought of that, knows that Jaehwan only wants rough and fast because it’s just easier that way. He wants to refuse but Jaehwan’s eyes are wide, pleading and his eyelashes flutter as his tongue darts out to wet his lips. Sanghyuk is a hundred percent certain that Jaehwan knows exactly how to get what he wants. 

Jaehwan turns over so that he’s on his stomach and Sanghyuk is treated to the rather pleasant view of Jaehwan on display for him. He remains pliant even when Sanghyuk works two fingers in him with not quite enough lube or preparation. 

Jaehwan sobs into his fist when Sanghyuk’s fingers wriggle curl and tease. Jaehwan’s legs spread a little, taking any pressure off of his cock and he cants his hips backward, “Fuck me,” he murmurs, voice lower than usual, “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me— “ 

He holds out for awhile more just so he can enjoy the way that Jaehwan’s voice goes higher when he whimpers, “Please.”

When Sanghyuk relents and enters him, he can immediately tell that Jaehwan isn’t quite stretched enough but that doesn’t deter Jaehwan from moving his hips back anyways, working himself open on Sanghyuk’s cock.

Jaehwan is shaking.

Jaehwan whines so Sanghyuk moves, slowly at first, evidently too slowly for Jaehwan’s taste. Taekwoon would be so much more careful but Jaehwan wants anyone, anything but Taekwoon right now. 

For him, Sanghyuk can do that. He can hold Jaehwan up and support him when he’s on his hands and knees even if it’s just so he can thrust into him just a little too roughly.

Jaehwan’s eyes are shut tightly, hands fisted into the sheets. They can’t ever be what the other wants but maybe this would be enough. Sanghyuk bites at Jaehwan’s back and each time he does, Jaehwan moans louder than the last. Sanghyuk holds Jaehwan’s hips so tightly when he comes that he’s certain that he’s left bruises.

Maybe Jaehwan would look in the mirror tomorrow and feel every place that Sanghyuk left his mark and it would be enough to just feel _wanted_. 

The room is too quiet afterwards, filled only with the sound of their heavy breathing.

Sanghyuk reaches for Jaehwan’s cock and Jaehwan jerks in his hold when he strokes him slowly. He reacted like he wasn’t expecting it. Jaehwan whimpers when he comes, finally, into Sanghyuk’s hand, falling apart into a million pieces and sagging down onto the sofa.

It was too messy, too fast, and though they’re both aflush with the glow of orgasm, they’re both still lucid, too aware of what was still missing. Jaehwan tries to fill the empty space by curling into Sanghyuk’s side, ignoring the fact that they were both still covered in sweat and desperately in need of a shower. 

Taekwoon probably would have pretended that he wanted to cuddle then give in anyways because he was weak like that. Taekwoon was too fussy, anyways, he would never even have agreed to— fornicate without any prelude like teenagers. (Because he was a romantic like that.) 

But Jaehwan was small enough to press himself against Sanghyuk like he wanted to belong there. And maybe Jaehwan was desperate enough to carve out the space for himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehwan eventually whispers, his fingers trailing down the curve of Sanghyuk’s bicep. His eyes are strangely bright in the dark. 

Sanghyuk closes his eyes, “I know.”

“He’ll— “ Jaehwan’s voice catches, and Sanghyuk’s heart clenches even before he says anything, “He’ll never want you either.”

“I know that too.”

**Author's Note:**

> -Please validate me  
> -I really appreciate every single comment or kudos because I am a sad and lonely author  
> -One day I'll return to writing happy Keo and/or Luck  
> -Comments, questions, suggestions, criticism, etc. can also be directed to my [twitter](twitter.com/jaehwandred) and [tumblr](chanstraeus.tumblr.com)


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